September 4, 2012

Coreless

It is official.

I have no core.

You know how some people are inexplicably missing a finger? Or have only one kidney? Or no cartilage in one ear*? Well, I was born with no core. It's true. I have tried to find it and it is not there. I am core-less. If I was an apple you'd be able to eat all of me with no wastage. If I was an argument I wouldn't be very effective. If I was the earth we'd all be floating into space. If I was a nuclear reactor then the engineers would be in considerable trouble, because I have no core.

I tried to find my core years ago when I was having serious back problems and my doctor referred me to Pilates. After a series of private lessons, in which the instructor and I got increasingly frustrated, I decided that I was devoid of a core. As I wrote at  the time, being asked to move my core muscles was like being asked to move my sixth toe - bloody impossible, because I have no sixth toe.

I DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE

In despair, I gave up Pilates for a while ever, and decided I would just have to live without some phantom muscle thingy that everyone probably lies about having anyway. Until just last week, when I was forced back into physio after I was unable to manouver my body into that very complex position known as 'standing'.

Well, Matt the Physio was very charming, but kept insisting on trying to find my core. He wouldn't listen when I told him I didn't have one, nor was he impressed by my clever apple metaphor. He stood there, hovering over me, as I lay on the floor with a hopeful expression, squeezing everything from my pelvic floor muscles to my tummy muscles to my thighs to my fists**, but unable to squeeze The One.

Matt gave me a series of exercises to help me find my core. I was crap at the first one, but gradually got better as the session went on. Except that I DIDN'T, at all. I got WORSE as the session went on. I thought I maybe glimpsed a shadow of my core.... and then it slipped away, never to be seen again. It was woeful. Poor Matt. And poor me.

And yet I plod on, lying on my back, bracing this and pulling that, in pursuit of the corporeal goal that hovers - for me to be whole, at one, to have my very own core.

Or, if that fails, perhaps I could borrow yours. Do YOU have a core? Do you know where I can find one?

*okay, that last one would be me
**in frustration

7 comments:

  1. Try Bunnings, they have everything.

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  2. I have exactly the same issue and the same back problems. Do you think you can get a surrogate one?

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  3. Lisa @ Blith MomentsJanuary 13, 2013 at 11:15 AM

    I found mine at dance class. Apparently holding your tummy in while you wander about can actually give you one. I wouldn't rate it as great, I'm now starting Pilates to build it up, but the start was simply holding my tummy and walking.

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  4. Lisa @ Blith MomentsJanuary 13, 2013 at 11:15 AM

    Oh and as a bonus that action makes your posture better!

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  5. Two words - fit ball.
    Love Mumabulous

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  6. I have one but it's hidden under layers of fat!

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  7. Sadly, I have just discovered that I don't have one either. Once upon a time I thought I did but the years and the *ahem* lack of exercise have whittled it away. On a recent fitness test, I rated as 'struggle street' on the core strength scale. I think that was actually being generous. If you find out where you can buy one, write it in your blog for the core-less majority!

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